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The waiter was actually laughing when he delivered it. I have never known anything like it. Agonising burn followed by gastrointestinal meltdown of nuclear proportions to the extent that I was considering phoning casualty. Two of the guys who ate with me called in sick for two days afterward.
[Post edited 22 Mar 2016 18:37]
'What do we want? We don't know! When do we want it? Now!'
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Most horrifying curry experience on 12:26 - Mar 23 with 4057 views
Forget Atkins diets or any other 'diets' that all they do is make the author rich, forget stomach stapling, forget wiring up your mouth, forget any kind of fitness video which just has the same effect on the creator as a book, forget all that.
Sounds like the best and quickest plan is to go to Mexico for a week.
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Most horrifying curry experience on 12:55 - Mar 23 with 4018 views
A driver once told me a story about when he first became a driver on the Metropolitan line, of which the North end is outside and in open fields.
During morning rush hour when he first passed out , he suddenly got a urge to evacuate his bowels so serious he couldn't wait until his changeover and had the option of either shitting his pants, or opening a door and shitting outside.
Luckily, he got a red signal so took advantage and stuck his fat hairy arse out the open door and unloaded his guts all over the track.
What he hadn't accounted for due to his newness to the line was that he was parked on a bend and all 400 passengers on his train saw his actions in the rays of the summer rush hour sun.
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Most horrifying curry experience on 13:54 - Mar 23 with 3932 views
Nowhere does arse woe better than Mexico. If there was a dysentry world cup they'd win it every tournament. I speak from experience. 24 hours in the hotel room with vomiting so violent I thought bits of organs and shreds of tonsils were up next. When the entire contents of my stomach had been evacuated (this was after the second or third attempt), the rest of the 24 hours were spent violently ejecting thimble-sized sips of water or when that failed, teaspoon quantities of saliva. When I thought it was finally over, in my still semi-delirium I thought eating a banana with some milk would be a good idea. It wasn't. Luckily this stage cleared up in time for me to get back to London without any unpleasant in-flight incidents. Well, almost. I had the faecal early warning about an hour before we landed. Not too much bother, I thought. Could have been worse. And it was, as soon as I got home. Considerably so as the violent evacuation moved south with a vengeance.
Several days later I was still making extended trips to the bog. Then the 9th of May rolled around. It was 1999. At 3pm I was back on the toilet, listening to the radio. At 3:08 my pants were still around my ankles as the impossible happened - Kulscar scored a screamer - and again at quarter to four when Kiwomya made it 2-0. I was still there sometime during the second half Kiwomya added a third and then Tony Scully scored - yes, Tony fckn Scully scored a screamer too and it was four nil.
Eventually I made it off the throne and soon thereafter it was QPR 6 Crystal Palace 0 and not only that, we'd stayed up on goal difference. What's so bad about that? I'll tell you what's so bad. My ticket was sitting on the window sill of that same toilet. I still have never seen Rangers win by six goals and I know who's to blame - fckin Mexico and their fckn literal shitty shit.
If it’s spice you want, a colleague of mine went to New York last year to stay with her family over there and whilst there, went on a pepper picking excursion (as you do) and brought back a large quantity of Ghost Naga chilli’s, some of which she gave me knowing I’m often partial to a spicy dish.
I knew these were going to be ridiculously hot so as a bit of a dare in the office, we sliced one up and between myself and few others in the team and tried a small amount each. Bearing in mind this is having been careful to remove the seeds, this is the way true spice goes down.
First there’s that slightly bitter crunch from the skin as you bite into the flesh of the chilli. The flavour comes through, hmm fresh chilli, how daringly pleasant.
“Got a bit of a kick hasn’t it? As the first inkling of heat escapes. “Wow yeah this really has eh?”, cough cough, “taking my breath away a bit, cough”. “Yeah this is really hot” barely able to get the words out, “cough ,cough ,cough” Eyes starting to well up, “Jesus Christ”, cough cough, “this is burning”, eyes going red, (scrambling around for water)
Some had spat there’s out by this point but some including myself, continued to see it through to the end. After Swallowing the chewed up chilli, the contents of our stupidity was now burning it’s way down to the stomach where it continued to smoulder in a disturbing painful sensation which can only be described as what a ulcer may feel like, stomach acids probably wondering what they had done to deserve this latest onslaught.
Of course this act had left everyone’s mouth on fire to a unbearable extent for the next 20 minutes and beyond. Those foolish enough to take on several gulps of cold water merely benefit from seconds of temporary relief as the searing heat from the chilli fires back even hotter then before. Tongue swollen, lips throbbing, the carnage goes on leaving grown men in an emotional mess trying not to cry and simultaneously trying not to laugh at the faces of their fellow fallen comrades. All you can do is ride it out and learn from it.
We made a pact to never do that again, ever.
I couldn’t resist but try and cook with them later that night trying to create a chicken Bhut Jolokia and having diced them with some onion and garlic, I threw them in the pan with my already sealed and curry paste coated chicken, this time chilli seeds included. I watched at the whole thing began to cook with the ingredients nicely combined. Seconds later through blurred vision and panic, I had to take the pan off the gas and evacuate the kitchen opening all the doors and windows as I left. The gasses those things let off once the seeds began to pop in the heat, was unbelievable. I was choking, retching almost to the back of my throat, nose streaming, eyes crying water. The wife upstairs was choking, my 3 month old baby was coughing in his crib even that cat was awoken from its slumber in the living room and was now violently scratching at the walls trying find an escape route. Needless to say the dish was never finished. I threw the remaining chilli’s out and vowed never to use those things again in this lifetime.
There’s a video on YouTube some where of a couple of kids eating raw scotch bonnet chilli’s and crying off to mummy. Let me tell you, the Ghost Naga 100% laughs in the face of those things.
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Most horrifying curry experience on 14:51 - Mar 23 with 3830 views
Back in the 90's our keeper, also Rangers fan, introduced me to Chicken Tandoori Jalfrezi in a little Indian in Wealdstone, around the corner from the snooker club us players frequented far to much for far too long.
But the owner used to curse him for wanting his food hotter. So he kept serving up hotter variations each week for him. Finally almost defeated and probably out of desperation, the owner one night gave him a saucer of overspiced chilli sauce marinade for him to dip his nan in, he ended up regularly having it as a "starter" like a bowl of soup. Stupidly one drunken night, we all had a bowl and oh my god I thought i was crapping cheese graters for days after. I swear the lining of my inner rectum and lower intestines floated out to the Thames that week
A chicken jalfrezi remains part of my stable diet, but I do have an akward twitch 25 years on just thinking about the night I had that "starter"
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Most horrifying curry experience on 16:11 - Mar 23 with 3751 views
Those ghost chillies are ruining the world of online chillie purchases imho. They're all over the place. Who wants to grow an arse removing substance on their windowsill? It's unsettling. There's actually a lot of good curry in Jersey City, NJ. Had a great Phal last month, but obviously not the murderous 'teach him a lesson' stuff that goes on in the UK, been through that. This one was very hot but with a lot of flavour.
Food poisoning though, fcukin hell. By coincidence I did get a good dose of food poisoning at the weekend. The whole time I kept thinking of that line from Dennis Pennis "I don't mind taking a piss after a meal, but not outta my fcukin' ass!"
Most horrifying curry experience on 16:18 - Mar 23 by BklynRanger
Those ghost chillies are ruining the world of online chillie purchases imho. They're all over the place. Who wants to grow an arse removing substance on their windowsill? It's unsettling. There's actually a lot of good curry in Jersey City, NJ. Had a great Phal last month, but obviously not the murderous 'teach him a lesson' stuff that goes on in the UK, been through that. This one was very hot but with a lot of flavour.
Food poisoning though, fcukin hell. By coincidence I did get a good dose of food poisoning at the weekend. The whole time I kept thinking of that line from Dennis Pennis "I don't mind taking a piss after a meal, but not outta my fcukin' ass!"
Not a curry experience I'm afraid, but I saw one of the strangest sights ever earlier today.
I was having a coffee and breakfast with the missus in a local cafe when a man emerged from the toilet with a jacket on and no trousers. He'd completely shat himself and the stench was unbelievably bad.
The look on the face of the staff and the panic that ensued in trying to deal with him was hilarious, and they constantly tried to usher the bloke back into the toilet and close the door on him as they figured out what to do. He kept coming back out, telling them he couldn't stay in there as he was "freezing" while they were opening doors and windows and spraying air fresheners around.
I'm not usually the queasy type, but the smell did make me heave a bit, and I actually couldn't eat most of my food or even drink my coffee. But the staff basically allowed everybody in there to have whatever they were having for free.
We left before seeing how it panned out, as did most people, and I think they were trying to call somebody the man knew to bring him some clothing and take him away. Poor guy.
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Most horrifying curry experience on 17:38 - Mar 23 with 3658 views
Most horrifying curry experience on 17:28 - Mar 23 by Neil_SI
Not a curry experience I'm afraid, but I saw one of the strangest sights ever earlier today.
I was having a coffee and breakfast with the missus in a local cafe when a man emerged from the toilet with a jacket on and no trousers. He'd completely shat himself and the stench was unbelievably bad.
The look on the face of the staff and the panic that ensued in trying to deal with him was hilarious, and they constantly tried to usher the bloke back into the toilet and close the door on him as they figured out what to do. He kept coming back out, telling them he couldn't stay in there as he was "freezing" while they were opening doors and windows and spraying air fresheners around.
I'm not usually the queasy type, but the smell did make me heave a bit, and I actually couldn't eat most of my food or even drink my coffee. But the staff basically allowed everybody in there to have whatever they were having for free.
We left before seeing how it panned out, as did most people, and I think they were trying to call somebody the man knew to bring him some clothing and take him away. Poor guy.
It panned out fine, thanks for asking.
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Most horrifying curry experience on 18:32 - Mar 23 with 3609 views
One bit of advice. Never take the pi** out of a waiter in a curry house.
Night before my wedding years ago waiter guy had original billy Bob teeth so my best man was saying it loud which was embarrassing me. Anyway baring in mind the 3 of us had korma's we all woke up with the same complaint. It was like someone had lit a match and put the flame on our actual asshole. So bad it was, must of been stitched up for taking the pi**.
Most horrifying curry experience on 10:09 - Mar 23 by paulparker
ok a few years back for mine and Missus P's anniversary I took her to the 02 to see the Pet shop boys in concert (don't ask) prior to the event I had been under the weather with a touch of man flu, anyway off we went for a day in London and we had a couple of beers and all was well , what do you fancy to eat I asked , well after a few we decided on a ruby , we stopped off at the golden oven and I had a lamb madras, it was great, we then got the tube to the 02 on the way my stomach had cramped up big time and I doubled up in pain , I gave the mrs the look of stop the fcuking train , I made it to our stop , just , but I couldn't hold it any longer , I got on the platform and sh1t myself violently , as luck would have it a guard saw my state and took me upstairs to the staff toilets where I shit myself again , I had nothing to clean myself up with but a tissue, by this stage I was in blind panic and the guard was knocking on the bog door to see if I was ok , yes I replied , wont be a minute , I tossed my sh1tty pants to one side and wobbled out , Mrs P was doing her nut by this stage , telling me I was cnt for having a madras and 6 pints and that she was going to miss her concert , don't worry I said i'l be fine we got into the 02 with my soiled jeans crusting up at the back , for 3 hours I had to stand there , people would come around us but would quickly leave as the smell was horrific, to make matters worse I developed a sort of nappy rash and still had the journey home to make , minus my pants of course never again have I had a madras
Jesus, that's a bonafide disaster! Fair play to you for making it through the concert, I'd have been off home at 100 miles an hour.
Had to do a flight with food poisoning once. It was a visa run - down to kuala lumpur and back the same day. Nightmare, had to pull in twice driving to the airport, to puke, checked in, lay in the toilet puking until it was time to go, got on the plane last and puked straight into my sick bag, much to the horror of the person next to me, get off the plane, puke and repeat process for the next several hours. Fcuking nearly did me in, ended up spending the night in hospital, damn.
Managed to get the visa at least though, thanks to my will of iron...
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Most horrifying curry experience on 15:15 - Mar 24 with 3169 views
Recently heard a fine tale from someone living in Phnom Penh, who had the usual industrial-scale East Asian runs; his colleague recommended the doctor's where her sister worked; and the doctor insisted on taking a sample before doling out antibiotics.
So there he was crouching forward in the cubicle with a minuscule plastic bottle in position to receive the next jet. Being a bit on the wobbly side, he loses his balance and pitches forward just as an unsurpassed projectile blast of bilious green slime flies out straight upwards and splatters the upper walls and ceiling.
The stink is horrific but there's a cherry air freshener spray which he sprays until he's gagging from the fumes.
As luck has it, there's one of those arse-hose things on the toilet so he starts trying to spray the shÃt off the ceiling, but the water pressure's not up to it and he's just adding volume to the crap which is now raining down on him through the shÃt and cherry mist. By now someone's been banging on the door for five minutes to get in and so he eventually opens the door of the indoor-green-monsoon cubicle, only to be confronted by the colleague's sister, who by now is desperate and rushes straight in past him.
He left Cambodia soon after.
A magnificent football club, the love of our lives, finding a way to finally have its day in the sun.
Most horrifying curry experience on 15:15 - Mar 24 by hopphoops
Recently heard a fine tale from someone living in Phnom Penh, who had the usual industrial-scale East Asian runs; his colleague recommended the doctor's where her sister worked; and the doctor insisted on taking a sample before doling out antibiotics.
So there he was crouching forward in the cubicle with a minuscule plastic bottle in position to receive the next jet. Being a bit on the wobbly side, he loses his balance and pitches forward just as an unsurpassed projectile blast of bilious green slime flies out straight upwards and splatters the upper walls and ceiling.
The stink is horrific but there's a cherry air freshener spray which he sprays until he's gagging from the fumes.
As luck has it, there's one of those arse-hose things on the toilet so he starts trying to spray the shÃt off the ceiling, but the water pressure's not up to it and he's just adding volume to the crap which is now raining down on him through the shÃt and cherry mist. By now someone's been banging on the door for five minutes to get in and so he eventually opens the door of the indoor-green-monsoon cubicle, only to be confronted by the colleague's sister, who by now is desperate and rushes straight in past him.
He left Cambodia soon after.
Great story !!!
not as good as that but once I followed through on a fart at work and crapped myself I managed to get to the bog to clean myself up only then to have the dilemma of what to do with my dirty pants , being a small cubicle I managed to stand on the bog lid and chuck them out of the small window that was slightly opened on leaving work that night I noticed they were hanging off someone's car aerial, I even took a photo to show the missus of my proud achievements how I kept a straight face the next day when the boss gathered everyone in to tell them off and how someone had left a pair of pants on top of the area sales mangers car
And Bowles is onside, Swinburne has come rushing out of his goal , what can Bowles do here , onto the left foot no, on to the right foot
That’s there that’s two, and that’s Bowles
Brian Moore
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Most horrifying curry experience on 16:04 - Mar 24 with 3124 views
Most horrifying curry experience on 15:35 - Mar 24 by paulparker
Great story !!!
not as good as that but once I followed through on a fart at work and crapped myself I managed to get to the bog to clean myself up only then to have the dilemma of what to do with my dirty pants , being a small cubicle I managed to stand on the bog lid and chuck them out of the small window that was slightly opened on leaving work that night I noticed they were hanging off someone's car aerial, I even took a photo to show the missus of my proud achievements how I kept a straight face the next day when the boss gathered everyone in to tell them off and how someone had left a pair of pants on top of the area sales mangers car
You've been in the wars, I'm still laughing at your nappy rash! That's what happens if you don't take man flu seriously
More importantly at least they weren't your 'I've scored at Loftus Road' keks that landed on the aerial, that would have narrowed down the list of suspects...
A magnificent football club, the love of our lives, finding a way to finally have its day in the sun.
As a side note I was ill once and sharted whilst out. Luckily it was towards the end of the night and I had to tell people I had sat on some chocolate without realising. Brand new pair of jeans went straight in the bin when I got home. Bastards.
On another occasion I was ill and went to my kitchen to make some food, I was in my teens and my mum and sister were chatting over some cups of tea, I walk in and am desperate to fart so do. They look at me horrified as this brown dish water pours out of my arse and all over the kitchen floor tiles. It was so bad that my dad thought someone had dropped a can of oxtail soup.
My body clearly fcking hates me.
ps. I walked past the hot wing pub after the Brentford game and regaled two people with that story and it still occasionally comes up when my mate needs embarrassing!
Sexy Asian dwarves wanted.
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Most horrifying curry experience on 18:08 - Mar 24 with 3037 views
Most horrifying curry experience on 17:28 - Mar 23 by Neil_SI
Not a curry experience I'm afraid, but I saw one of the strangest sights ever earlier today.
I was having a coffee and breakfast with the missus in a local cafe when a man emerged from the toilet with a jacket on and no trousers. He'd completely shat himself and the stench was unbelievably bad.
The look on the face of the staff and the panic that ensued in trying to deal with him was hilarious, and they constantly tried to usher the bloke back into the toilet and close the door on him as they figured out what to do. He kept coming back out, telling them he couldn't stay in there as he was "freezing" while they were opening doors and windows and spraying air fresheners around.
I'm not usually the queasy type, but the smell did make me heave a bit, and I actually couldn't eat most of my food or even drink my coffee. But the staff basically allowed everybody in there to have whatever they were having for free.
We left before seeing how it panned out, as did most people, and I think they were trying to call somebody the man knew to bring him some clothing and take him away. Poor guy.
Similar thing happened to me in Burger king in the bush years ago, the one that's now a tesco next to the white horse.
Anyway, myself and another QPR supporting friend who shall remain nameless had been drinking Dogbolter in Westbourne Park.
Walking back to my mums my mate decided he needed a shite, so we went into burger kings. So, he's gone into the khazi I thought I'd order myself a burger.
After about 10 minutes he comes staggering out of the khazi with his trousers AND pants still round his ankles, standing there in the middle of a busy burger king on a Saturday night shouting at me that there was no bog roll.
I had to grab a load of serviettes and help him back in. He had absolutely destroyed the toilet.
Hottest curry I ever had was in Dunedin in NZ while on tour with England. Could only eat a few mouthfuls then had to give up. It was unbearable. Tasted of feck all mind other than hot hot hot. Burned my mouth off. And I love a hot curry (the best ones being in North India and Bangladesh - dishes we have never even heard of over here. Very spicy and full of lavour).
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Most horrifying curry experience on 22:24 - Mar 24 with 2911 views
Most horrifying curry experience on 10:09 - Mar 23 by paulparker
ok a few years back for mine and Missus P's anniversary I took her to the 02 to see the Pet shop boys in concert (don't ask) prior to the event I had been under the weather with a touch of man flu, anyway off we went for a day in London and we had a couple of beers and all was well , what do you fancy to eat I asked , well after a few we decided on a ruby , we stopped off at the golden oven and I had a lamb madras, it was great, we then got the tube to the 02 on the way my stomach had cramped up big time and I doubled up in pain , I gave the mrs the look of stop the fcuking train , I made it to our stop , just , but I couldn't hold it any longer , I got on the platform and sh1t myself violently , as luck would have it a guard saw my state and took me upstairs to the staff toilets where I shit myself again , I had nothing to clean myself up with but a tissue, by this stage I was in blind panic and the guard was knocking on the bog door to see if I was ok , yes I replied , wont be a minute , I tossed my sh1tty pants to one side and wobbled out , Mrs P was doing her nut by this stage , telling me I was cnt for having a madras and 6 pints and that she was going to miss her concert , don't worry I said i'l be fine we got into the 02 with my soiled jeans crusting up at the back , for 3 hours I had to stand there , people would come around us but would quickly leave as the smell was horrific, to make matters worse I developed a sort of nappy rash and still had the journey home to make , minus my pants of course never again have I had a madras
Jesus. Probably the most hideous story I've ever read on here. Did you have to go into so much disgusting detail? Couldn't you have just said you went to see a band at the O2? You didn't have to mention their name!
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Most horrifying curry experience on 23:38 - Mar 24 with 2859 views
Most horrifying curry experience on 22:24 - Mar 24 by TW_R
Jesus. Probably the most hideous story I've ever read on here. Did you have to go into so much disgusting detail? Couldn't you have just said you went to see a band at the O2? You didn't have to mention their name!
Very good. When I was young stupid and in love I took my mrs to see Wet wet wet at the Wembley arena.Our seats were 4 rows from the front right in the middle of the stage.As soon as they started singing I went straight to the bar and stayed there until they'd finished. What a load of old sh-t.
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Most horrifying curry experience on 14:52 - Mar 25 with 2753 views
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